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12 April 2009 @ 03:05 am
it's three in the morning  
and there are at least five distinct things stressing me out right now, and i can't sleep.

In lieu of that, and to try to do something productive with my insomnia, I want to write a little about *my* take on our dynamic, what it means to *me* to say brian is "acting submissively" or being a "good pet". What I intend to do, and what I expect in return.

It's hard, doing this from a distance. As I told him on his journal, I am physically incapable of following him around all day and dictating what he does, and while that may seem like an extreme, I think it's related to why brian says he's feeling a little... "un-led". So hopefully I can make something clear now.
Distance or not, there is no reason I couldn't say "brian, tomorrow you will not talk to anyone unless it is required to work on your lab". i could say "you cannot use the computer", or "you must be in bed by 10 pm, tired or not" or "you must eat at exactly 6 pm, and your meal will be ____". I could. And it would be his place to obey. So why don't I? Because there has been no need. And what would happen? Suppose I levied the "no speaking to others" rule. brian would likely find himself in uncomfortable situations. By the end of the day, he might resent me. The same goes for taking away his computer privileges, or forcing him to lie in bed before he's tired. I could choose to do any of these, but instead I'm ordering him to take care of himself, and no, I don't think that's a paradox.

Now, maybe the fault is mine, and saying "I expect you to eat dinner, something healthy" is too broad. Maybe he needs to hear "Eat dinner at exactly 6 pm. Have chicken and a side of mashed potatoes." Would it help? It might. (I'm thinking of the "four peas!" scene from Secretary now...) It's something I'll try one of these days. The point I'm trying to make is this: the absence of a specific order is NOT the same as "no order at all". I may not be saying "this is exactly what you should do", but what I am saying is "Here are the basic rules; you understand them, now I trust you to apply them appropriately and go through your day in a way that you think would please me."

That (rather wordy) piece brings me to my next point: the question of "pulling on the leash". Today, I was in an incredibly depressed mood over a school grade that blindsided me. pet was comforting, and eventually offered several things he might do to make me feel better. When I gave permission, he did so, and sure enough - they helped my mood tremendously. So while I did not initially order him to do those things, he came up with them, then sought permission, and all with the end goal of helping me. That, in my eye, breaks none of the "rules of submission". In fact, the more I think about it, the more I start to see it like this: following an order before it's given might seem presumptuous, but only if it's an order that wouldn't have been given in the first place. If brian came on tomorrow and said "i didn't do well with my lab, so i punished myself by ____", that is something else. I would not approve, and that should be obvious. But as I say this, I know full well it's not something he would do. Because he knows me. He knows where I stand. That's why, when he says "i'd like to make you a recipe book", knowing full well I love it when he cooks for me, I actually consider it a really good show of submission. He's not defying orders or overstepping his bounds; he's anticipating his Master's needs, and stepping up to meet them.

It's a bit like having your glass start to run empty and automatically getting a refill: just because you didn't ask for it doesn't mean it's unwelcome. Indeed, if the server brings out the refill well before it's needed, that's considered "excellent service". So why should this be any different?

There are things I need to work on, and I recognize that. And rest assured, I am going to. Focus on being patient; it's a good skill to learn anyway. You will most likely see this entry before I'm home from work; new rule, actually, check this journal first thing in the morning from now on, just in case of entries like this. Anyway. The only tasks I have given you for tomorrow are to clean up your room and catalogue your clothes. All together, I would be surprised if this took more than an hour. Since I won't even be online for a good chunk of tomorrow, I am certain you can find time to sit down and just think about all of this. About your submission, my domination, and how you can find peace with it.

That's another thing that occurred to me. You mentioned having trouble switching gears - you have to be dominant in some settings (ie, with your incompetent lab group) and then submissive to me, and the jump can be jarring. So separate those worlds as much as you can. I would refer to them as "school" and "home", but I know you get online to talk to me quite often from school, so that doesn't quite fit.  Class and non-class, I guess.

Come to recognize clearly in your mind where your time dealing with them ends and your time dealing with me begins, and when it is time to switch, find some personal ritual that helps you focus yourself. This could be as simple as saying some kind of mantra in your head, a silent pledge of service, a reminder that you are mine - whatever makes sense to you. Or it could just mean picturing yourself collared and serving, and recognizing that that makes you feel safe and confident, that it's time to hand off control to someone else. Find something that works for you, and once you have, write about it in your journal, along with any thoughts you manage to come to during your meditations. I may eventually set some kind of a schedule, requiring you to think these things over at certain times, but for now let's just start with doing it between working with lab partners/etc and coming online to talk to me.

Soon it will be much easier, because there won't be a division - you'll be living with me, for a good few weeks, and there won't be a lab group or school. Your only responsibilities will be to me, and you will never have to take control of a situation. In a year, that will become our permanent, year-round status; whatever pressures you may encounter at work or grad school, you will still come home to a place where you are submissive, and that rewarding feeling you get from it will be a daily experience. Consider everything else, leading up to that, as practice. You have about two weeks to get yourself into the right mindset now, then almost a month to experience it, then another year to get yourself fully accustomed to it and figure out exactly where the lines are drawn. I will always do my best to point them out to you, but if you need to know something, you should know that you always have permission to ask. Always. As long as you do it respectfully, that's all I require.

This has been lengthy, but it did have to be said. I think I'm going to take a page out of pet's book and introduce a little structure into these posts...he has his daily submissions, I'm going to condense the "rules/instructions" at the end of the post, since right now they're buried in my rambling and theoretical chatter. But I just hope I've made things clearer, and I hope you recognize that you are still my pet when you're telling your classmates what to do - after all, I did not tell you to let them figure it out themselves, did I? I told you to do well in school, and if that's what it takes, then you're doing exactly what I said. See what I'm saying? You worry about stepping outside of your bounds, but in reality, you're still right in line with them.

You are being good, and a good submissive. You are also being too hard on yourself, something I'd like you to work on. Being introspective is good. Being overly self-critical rarely is. If you feel you've done something that stepped outside your bounds - ask me! If you have, I will tell you. At this point, you haven't, so I have nothing to scold you for.

You also finished what I asked for on your seminar, and I know that was a tight deadline. So I'm proud of you. I mean that.

Okay, I said I was going to condense the instructions...a paragraph or two ago. Ramble ramble.

Sunday, 4/12
1. Room cleaned up, clothes put away
2. Clothes catalogued
3. Meditation on submission and a writing in your journal; you may find it helpful to do this while I'm out of the house, as you'll have several hours without distractions and can take as much time as you want to try and answer your own questions. If you find yourself getting stuck, here is a prompt from the site I showed you before:
"When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?"
I may give you more of these prompts in the future. I think they raise good questions.

That's all for tonight. I expect to be on either mid-afternoon or late evening. All three tasks on your list must be done before you go to bed tomorrow night.

(One final thing - the last, I promise - I never thanked you properly for stepping up to comfort me the way you did today. I really needed that, which I think you knew, and I was in no state to think of asking for it myself. So...thank you. Good boy. <3)

Current Location: the apartment
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: muse - bliss